Please Return Me Whole
# Return the Crate, Lose the Morning On his first morning behind the lost-property counter near Paddington Station, a new clerk signs for a crate containing a wedding ring, a brass trombone with a blackened bell, and an ostrich that immediately opens Cabinet F and eats the labels marked “Urgent.” The note inside says, “These three belong together, return them together or not at all,” while his supervisor cheerfully produces a kettle and explains that he has waited eleven years for a colleague foolish enough to test the office’s single unbreakable rule. Before lunch, a canal-boat bride, a retired military bandsman, and a Smithfield Market butcher each seize one side of the crate and claim all three contents, forcing the clerk to herd everyone down the Regent’s Canal towpath after the ostrich escapes with the ring on its beak. The only form that can settle the handover needs the signature of a man officially catalogued as lost property, and at 11:59 the clerk must choose which claimant gets the crate as the station clock chimes and the ostrich starts boarding a train.
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